I keep telling myself...

I keep telling myself that things for Jackson could be SO much worse. And we've definately seen worse during our various visits and stays at Hopkins. We're lucky in many many ways. But no matter how often I repeat that to myself, some days are just hard. And last Thursday was one of those days.

On that particular Thursday, I took Jackson to Kennedy Kreiger for a follow up with his Developmental Pediatrician. After going through the usual testing the news was not as positive as I had hoped. Dr. Lipkin indicated that based on his current and past IQ scores, we may be looking a Mild Mental Retardation, and wants Jackson to attend intensive special pre-school through the county 5 days a week, supplemented with additional private therapies. This is the type of school that Autistic kids and kids with really severe developmental delays attend. And while Dr. Lipkin's assessment wasn't exactly a surprise, it was still very difficult to hear Jackson labeled that way. It was a less than subtle reminder that we have many challenges ahead of us yet (as subtle as getting whacked over the head with a 2x4).

Then in an email to our Genetic Neurologist I inquired about testing for fragile-x syndrome. Dr. Cohn is used to my random emails fishing for possible diagnosis and his response is usually, “He doesn’t fit the profile”. Yesterday it was “We’ll discuss it at your appointment next week”. It was a hard day.

Everyone has times of revelation in their lives. This was a revelation for me. I was recently passed over for a promotion at work. I was pretty devastated when it happened and vowed that I would work as hard I possibly could to prove I really deserved it. After Thursday, I've come to a really remarkable conclusion: I am so fortunate to have my job. A job that enables me to work from home when necessary and tend to Jackson's various appointments and therapies. Now is not the time for me to be gunning for a promotion. Now is the time to focus even more energy on my Little Man and what he needs to progress. I realize that for some of those who read this blog that my revelation is kind of common sense. I am however an over achiever in every sense of the word. I want to have it all and do it all. I knew growing up that I wanted to be a SuperWoman. You know, great career, great family, spotless house, great cook, community advocate, reliable friend and consumate hostess. And up until this point I was still operating under the assumption that I could do all those things. Now, I realize I have to make some sacrifices. It doesn't mean I'm going to lower my expectations of what I think I should accomplish in my lifetime, it just means that for now the timeline of those accomplishments has to shift a bit. The worst of it is that I feel I've been selfish having held out this long. (There's that Mommy guilt kicking in.) I just hope that my reluctance to postpone reaching my Superwoman status hassn't impacted Jack's education on a long term level.

So the next time you stop by our house it may not be as neat as usual, I may not be as organized as usual, and instead of cooking I may very well order out! (GASP!)